valerie

hey valerie here. yes i'm not as SSC.

ytd evening, my right side suddenly started hurting along w my back. and i couldnt walk properly cos i cant support my weight on my right side, cos it only made my pain worse. damn it. im getting v depressed writing this. ):

after much uh, hesitation, i finally went to the hospital w my mum at like, 9 plus. at that time i think only the ssc girls knew about this. anw, my mum was like freaking scared it'll be appendicitis so we went to check it out. (the hospital's freaking cold anw. why does it have to be so cold?)

the dr told us, after pressing on my right side that it's probably just constipation, not appendicitis cos i seem too well for it. so he sent me for a blood test (to see my WBC count which will be affected by appendicitis) and an xray, to check if its really constipation.

so turned out. it IS severe constipation. xray showed that thr's this like, freaking whole pile of shit at my right side. stuck or smth. how gross right.

but the thing is, THATS IT. that's what's causing my pain, physically and also mentally/emotionally.

charlie, i really dno how to face you all right now, i dno how to handle telling all of you, repeating this story again over and over again to each of you all. cos it hurts so much.

i feel like a loser, a freaking GREAT C'MON-LAUGH-AT-ME loser. you all are probably all v disappointed in me now ):

i dno how to face you all, dno how to face janice and shuyun. how to face sir and ma'am.

ytd night after coming back from the dr's at like, 12 plus. i kept quarreling w my mum and sis, kept shouting at each other cos they refused to let me go for ssc. the dr told me that if it was still hurting i should stay home and rest and shit it all out, so he gave me a freaking long mc of FIVE DAYS. but it was still my choice whether or not i wanted to go. this morning qwei called me and asked if i was going and i was dying, cos even in my sleep my right side hurt. and when i told her no im not going cos it still hurts (somehow even more than previously), i died even more.

this is it. im not at ssc. i cant help but feel like i've let you all down. so the thing is, i dun wna get better cos i feel i owe you guys smth. and anw, i'm not better either, even after taking the medicine thats supposed to make me shit, i cant :/ my mum keeps saying thr'll be an infection if it stays in me too long.

i wna be at ssc now, preparing for my mutuals tmr. i wna be thr, having gone thru all the lessons. i wna be thr, trying to make you all proud.

but im here instead, suffering w my constipation and my guilt-ridden heart.

dno how to tell you all, our snrs, and ma'am and sir. dno how to cos i feel so ashamed. so WEAK.

just wna say, forgive me kay? cos i really dno what to do now. ):

moral of the story: always shit and clear your system everyday or you'll end up like me.

with lots of love and apologies )))):, valerie.

ps, the blood test showed smth else too, im anaemic. so i've got to go back to the hospital on 8sept for another blood test. then thr dr'll decide what to do w me.